As if life weren't complicated enough for us, did you fall in love, or in limerence with, your partner?
This can be a complex but very real issue in some relationships—where the initial spark of limerence fades, and the ADHD partner, often unintentionally, seems to "check out," leaving the non-ADHD partner feeling neglected, resentful, and trapped in a stagnant dynamic.
And while limerence isn't too unfamiliar (at least maybe the concept less so the name), the real challenge is what may come after.
1. Understanding Limerence in ADHD Relationships
Limerence is that intense, obsessive infatuation phase at the start of a relationship—characterized by euphoric highs, intrusive thoughts about the partner, and an almost addictive focus on them. In ADHD, this phase is amplified by dopamine surges, as novelty and excitement provide a powerful reward.
However, this isn’t sustainable.
For non-ADHD partners, this phase can feel intoxicating because they are the center of attention. However, they may not realize that much of this hyperfocus is due to ADHD’s neurobiology rather than an indicator of long-term relational depth.
2. What Happens When Limerence Fades?
Limerence typically lasts anywhere from 6 months to 3 years. As dopamine levels stabilize, the ADHD partner may experience:
- A drop in attention and interest in the relationship, not necessarily because they no longer love their partner, but because the novelty has worn off.
- A shift in focus to other stimuli—hobbies, work, or even new infatuations (which may not always be romantic).
- Avoidance of effortful tasks, including relationship maintenance, due to executive function challenges.
- Emotional disengagement, as the relationship requires more routine-based interaction rather than the thrill of new experiences.
For the non-ADHD partner, this shift is jarring. What felt like a deeply connected, passionate romance now seems one-sided. They may:
- Feel abandoned or undesired.
- Assume the ADHD partner has “fallen out of love.”
- Begin carrying the mental load of the relationship alone.
- Resent the ADHD partner’s inattention or emotional unavailability.
This can spiral into a cycle of nagging, criticism, and withdrawal—leading to a situation where neither partner is happy, yet they remain together in a state of mutual dissatisfaction.
3. When a Relationship Becomes ‘Dead’ but Continues
Instead of a dramatic breakup, some couples stay together in a low-energy, resentment-filled relationship:
- The ADHD partner may not realize how unhappy their partner is, assuming things are fine as long as there are no direct complaints.
- The non-ADHD partner may remain out of obligation, financial dependency, or fear of starting over.
- Both partners may fear confrontation, leading to silent suffering rather than open dialogue.
This state is dangerous because it builds slow-burning resentment. The ADHD partner, feeling like they are constantly failing their partner’s expectations, may withdraw further. Meanwhile, the non-ADHD partner, feeling unseen, may become bitter or emotionally shut down.
4. Can the Spark Be Reignited?
Yes, but it requires intentionality from both sides:
- Recognizing neurobiological differences: The ADHD partner isn’t withdrawing out of disinterest but due to natural dopamine shifts and executive dysfunction.
- Building new sources of excitement: Instead of chasing the old “high” of limerence, couples can create novelty together—through travel, shared projects, or simply changing routines.
- Scheduled intimacy and connection: ADHD partners may need structured reminders for relationship maintenance—dates, check-ins, and intentional moments of affection.
- Clear, non-accusatory communication: Non-ADHD partners should express their needs without framing them as failures.
- Developing self-awareness in the ADHD partner: Recognizing avoidance patterns, creating dopamine-independent relationship habits, and using accountability strategies can help.
5. When a Relationship Is Too Toxic to Repair
Not all relationships can or should be saved. Some signs that the relationship is beyond repair include:
- Persistent contempt or emotional abuse from either partner.
- Repeated boundary violations (e.g., chronic lying, cheating, or financial irresponsibility).
- Complete disinterest in resolving the issues—if one partner refuses to engage, therapy or strategies will not work.
- The relationship exists purely out of obligation, with neither partner feeling emotionally nourished.
In these cases, ending the relationship can be healthier than sustaining something that breeds resentment.
Final Thought
The key takeaway is that while limerence is not love, its decline does not have to signal the death of a relationship.
For ADHD relationships to thrive long-term, couples must shift from passive attachment (relying on the initial excitement) to active commitment (choosing to nurture connection).
But when resentment festers unchecked, it’s sometimes better to walk away than to cling to something that no longer serves either person.
