On my ever-expanding journey to understanding ADHD, I stumbled across a thought-provoking book by Phil Mollon: The Disintegrating Self: Psychotherapy of Adult ADHD, Autistic Spectrum, and Somato-psychic Disorders. While it may not appeal to casual readers, it introduced me to an alternative lens for interpreting ADHD, particularly through the psychodynamic approach.
Those who know me professionally have likely heard me reference this book. Its concepts often help demystify specific challenges when framed within the context of psychodynamic theory. As an adjunct to the conversation about ADHD and emotional regulation, I became particularly intrigued by the role of validation, especially as understood through the concept of self-objects.
This exploration wasn’t purely academic. It had personal stakes: one of my significant hurdles is the inability to produce content (e.g., video or audio) without passive visual feedback. Without a reflective presence, whether real or imagined, the process feels futile, as if meaning itself is lost.
This challenge opened a door to exploring how ADHD-specific mechanisms intersect with broader psychological principles. Central to this synthesis is the concept of self-objects—the external elements that regulate internal processes—and their crucial role in validation and emotional regulation.
1. Validation Through Self-Objects: An ADHD Lens
- Body Doubling as External Validation:
In ADHD, body doubling leverages the mere presence of another person to create an external structure for attention and motivation. This aligns with the idea of self-objects in psychology—external elements that help regulate internal processes.- For ADHD, the “silent validator” in body doubling is not enforcing accountability through action but through existence. Their presence acts as an anchor for focus and a feedback mechanism, even without verbal or active participation.
- This is not purely about social accountability (e.g., "I have to do this because someone is watching") but rather about emotional anchoring—a stabilising effect that mitigates the chaos of dysregulation.
- Idea Formation and the Role of the Listener:
In a similar way, the act of processing ideas thrives on the presence of an external listener, even if the listener's role is passive. The validation comes not from their explicit feedback but from their engagement as a reflective foil.- When the listener disengages, it disrupts the delicate balance, triggering frustration or emotional paralysis because the self-object function is removed. The emotional dysregulation amplifies this loss, making it feel personal or destabilising.
2. The Feedback Loop and ADHD
For neurotypical individuals, validation might function as a preference or reinforcement. For people with ADHD, it often feels essential due to:
- Emotional Dysregulation:
ADHD amplifies the intensity of emotional responses to perceived rejection or disinterest, making external validation critical for emotional stability during idea formation. - Executive Function Dependency:
ADHD brains rely on external cues (like body doubles or engaged listeners) to jumpstart and sustain internal processes. Without these external supports, the system struggles to self-regulate, leading to difficulty initiating or maintaining focus. - The Reward Deficiency Hypothesis:
ADHD’s dopaminergic dysregulation makes intrinsic reward harder to sustain. External validation acts as a substitute or supplement to intrinsic motivation, reinforcing the value of the task or idea.
3. The Universal Element: Self-Objects Beyond ADHD
While self-objects and validation are critical for ADHD, they resonate universally:
- Human Dependency on Self-Objects:
The concept of self-objects, derived from Kohut’s self-psychology, suggests that we all rely on external factors to maintain a cohesive sense of self. For example:- Mirroring: Receiving affirmation from others helps individuals feel seen and valued.
- Idealisation: Looking to others as sources of strength or stability reinforces self-esteem.
- Twinship: Sharing experiences creates a sense of connection and validation.
- The Amplification Effect in ADHD:
What is a universal human need is magnified for people with ADHD. The stakes feel higher because of emotional dysregulation and the inability to self-generate validation effectively. When validation is absent or disrupted, it creates not just disappointment but a destabilising emotional reaction.
4. The Mechanism Behind External Validation in ADHD
The distinct mechanism involves more than a simple feedback loop. It’s about the interplay between cognition, emotion, and the self-object’s regulatory function:
- Catalyst for Cognitive Processing:
The presence of the self-object facilitates idea generation by providing an external "foil." The other person acts as a mirror or sounding board, even if their role is passive. This externality enables you to externalise and organise your thoughts. - Regulation of Emotional States:
The self-object’s active listening helps stabilise emotional states, preventing frustration or dysregulation from hijacking the process. Their disengagement disrupts this stabilisation, leading to the frustration or paralysis you’ve described. - Validation as Structural Support:
The validation provided by the self-object isn’t just emotional; it also serves as scaffolding for executive function. The listener helps you hold the thread of the idea in working memory, allowing it to develop more cohesively.
5. Practical Implications
Understanding this mechanism provides a framework for addressing these challenges:
- Recreating the Self-Object Role in Solitude:
- Use tools like journaling, voice notes, or even virtual AI tools to create a pseudo-audience that acts as a stand-in self-object. This can replicate the feedback loop without requiring a physical presence.
- Visual or audio cues (e.g., imagining speaking to an engaged listener) may also help stabilise focus and validation.
- Intentionally Choosing Contexts:
- Prioritise settings where external self-objects are naturally present (coaching sessions, collaborative groups) to harness their regulatory effects.
- For online spaces, design interactions to solicit engagement, such as asking open-ended questions or structuring posts as invitations for dialogue.
- Building Emotional Resilience:
- Acknowledge and process the emotional impact of disengaged listeners or unresponsive audiences. Recognize this as a disruption of the self-object mechanism rather than a failure of the idea or yourself.
- Develop internal scripts like: "Their disengagement is not about me; I can still hold this idea steady."
Final thoughts
The concept of validation via self-objects provides a compelling lens for understanding the ADHD-specific need for external engagement during cognitive and emotional processes.
While universally human, the reliance on self-objects is more critical for those with ADHD due to emotional dysregulation and executive function challenges. Reframing validation as a structural necessity rather than a weakness can open pathways for addressing these dynamics more effectively.
